


can't pretend

by hatae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Falling out, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Lee Jeno Is Bad At Feelings, M/M, Making Up, Pining, inner turmoil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-09-24 10:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17099180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatae/pseuds/hatae
Summary: Before he can even utter a word Jaemin starts his tirade. “You went to a different uni, after all?! What the fuck, Jeno. That isnotwhat we agreed upon!”Someone on the other line tells Jaemin to stop yelling at him, Jeno immediately recognizes that voice. It’s Mark’s. Of course it is. It immediately makes him soften, despite having just been yelled at.And that’s exactly why he left.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> me, looking at markno: now this, this i love.  
> but like honestly, markno is such a good ship, like?? they're literally the cutest??
> 
> unbeta'd!!

**19**

In a way it’s cowardly, Jeno knows that. He feels it when he applies to another university than all his other friends. He knows he’s detaching himself from his friend group by doing that, but he has to. Because he knows that when he joins Mark and all his other friends it’ll just be high school all over again. He’ll get way too attached to Mark and be heart-broken when he starts dating other people. He just can’t deal with that.

 

During his first day at his new university he gets bombarded with texts.

 

 

 **[08:32] jaem**  
I literally can’t believe you’re late on your first day lmao

 

**[08:35] jaem**

lmaoo you loser 

 

 **[08:42] jaem**  
jeno 

 

**[08:47] jaem**

lee jeno 

 

 **[08:54] jaem**  
you are gonna show up, right?

 

 

 

 **[09:33] hyuckie**  
jeno

 

**[09:34] hyuckie**

you lil bish

 

**[09:39] hyuckie**

are you gonna show up anytime soon??

 

**[09:43] hyuckie**

jaemin and mark are literally freaking out, they think you got into some tragic accident on the way here

 

**[09:45] hyuckie**

jeno?

 

 **[10:02] hyuckie**  
we’re all really worried

 

 

Upon reading that Jeno decides to finally send something back to the both of them. Just a short text to tell them he’s chosen a different uni after all.  
Immediately Jaemin calls him. For some reason he can’t bring himself to ignore the call. He doesn't have his first lecture until later in the afternoon. 

 

Before he can even utter a word Jaemin starts his tirade. “You went to a different uni, after all?! What the fuck, Jeno. That is _not_ what we agreed upon!”

 

Someone on the other line tells Jaemin to stop yelling at him, Jeno immediately recognizes that voice. It’s Mark’s. Of course it is. It immediately makes him soften, despite having just been yelled at.  
And that’s exactly why he left.

 

“Sorry, Jaemin. It was a last minute decision and I just didn’t get the chance to tell you yet.”

 

“Bull. Shit.”, Jaemin snaps and usually when Jaemin throws a hissy fit both Jeno and Donghyuck are laughing at him. For the first time in his life Jeno actually winces because of a mad Jaemin. 

“Sorry”, he says quietly, sincerely.

 

“Yeah well, that’s not worth much, is it?”, Jaemin says and Jeno hears the hurt in his voice. Before he can say anything else Jaemin hangs up. Jeno looks at his phone for a while and feels worse than he ever has before.

 

Later that night he gets a text from Mark.

 

  
**[17:20] mark**  
hey!! i just wanted to tell you that no matter what you decide i’ll always support you. so, just know that you can always reach out to me if you want. i really care abt you, jeno. i don’t like seeing this happen

 

 

Jeno ignores his text and thinks that it’s better this way. He tries to believe, anyway.

 

As the months pass he actually gets a good thing going for him. Him and his roommate Renjun get along well, he’s got some casual friends in class and his results are good. True, he misses his friends from high school, but it’s fine. He can deal. He’s the one who shut them out by not properly responding to their texts in the first place.

 

Jaemin and Donghyuck have long given up on trying to reach out to him. Donghyuck got over himself a couple of days after Jeno’s horrible betrayal (as he's sure Jaemin likes to call it) and tried to reach out to him again, but after Jeno kept giving him short answers or none at all eventually his texts stop as well. Jaemin sent him one more text to tell him that he left a hoodie at his house. Jeno sent his mother to go get it and Jaemin didn’t reach out to him after that.

 

 

Only Mark seemed and seems to still be hell bend on keeping in contact with Jeno, even though Jeno usually doesn’t answer his texts.

 

It’s often just to ask how he’s doing, to wish him good luck on his exams, to update him on how everyone else is doing and stuff like that.  
Jeno appreciates it and hates it at the same time. Appreciates it, because he likes knowing how everyone’s doing. They had been friends for the entirety of middle and high school, after all. But then there’s also the downside, which is Mark’s often weekly texts keep reminding him of Mark’s existence. Keep him from fully getting over him, because he’s not stupid, he can feel that tingly feeling in his stomach whenever he gets a text, can feel the way his heart skips a beat.

 

The simple solution would be to block Mark and just cut him completely out of his life, but he can’t bring himself to do that. Not after knowing each other for long. Besides, the older boy doesn’t deserve it. He hasn’t done anything wrong but being his perfect self. It’s not his fault Jeno’s feelings decided that it was appropriate to fall for him.

 

* * *

 

 

“Come with me to a party tonight”, Renjun says, a day after their finals are done.

Jeno looks up from where’s he’s lounging on his bed, doing absolutely nothing. “I’m busy, you go.”

 

 

Renjun gives him a look and Jeno pouts and looks away. “Come on, Jeno. You promised you’d go with me once our finals were over.”

“Can’t you ask Yukhei? I’m sure he’d love to go”, Jeno tries.

 

“Um, the party is at Yukhei’s. So no”, Renjun says with an eye roll.

 

 

Jeno looks at him, he’s refused Renjun a handful of times already and he _did_ promise to join him after finals. Jeno isn’t really one for parties. Never has been. But he can’t exactly refuse Renjun again.

 

He sighs and sits up. Hope starts forming on Renjun’s face.

“Fine. I’ll go”, he deadpans.

 

“Alright, I’ll show you how to party”, Renjun smiles (even though Jeno knows for a fact that he’s just going to all those parties just to impress Yukhei and not because he loves partying so much). He doesn't say that, though. He just rolls his eyes and rolls over. 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Renjun ends up not showing him anything, seeing how he fucks off and leaves him alone ten minutes into it.

  
Him as in Jeno, the most awkward human being, in a house full of people he doesn’t know. Great idea.

 

 

As he navigates the house in search of the kitchen, carefully avoiding bumping into people, he curses Renjun and inwardly demotes him from friend to just roommate again. Why ask him to come if he wasn’t even gonna hang out with him? When he seems him again he’s gonna give him an earful about it. After about five minutes he eventually manages to find the kitchen. Not because he’s ridiculously bad at navigating, but because the house is huge. Yukhei’s parents must be rolling in cash. He’s sure there’s at least a hundred people at the house.

He sighs and takes out a beer. He doesn’t usually drink, but if he’s gonna survive the night he’ll have to be at least some type of drunk.

 

 

In the end he thankfully does find people to stand with, namely Doyoung and his group of friends. Doyoung’s an older dude that had taken a liking on him back in high school. And still does, apparently, seeing how he keeps drunkenly squeezing Jeno’s cheek and calling him cute, which seems to greatly amuse his friends Jaehyun and Taeyong and Jeno himself if he’s honest. There are worse things than being called cute and adorable over and over again, especially if he’s tipsy himself.

 

Then, as he’s considering leaving an hour or two later, he looks around for the front door and spots Renjun standing at the other side of the room. He says goodbye to Doyoung and his friends and stands up to give Renjun the scolding he deserves.

 

 

As he’s getting closer he starts recognizing the people he’s with. There’s Yukhei, Chenle (Jeno wonders if he’s even allowed to be there) and some guys he can’t see properly. A weird feeling of dread starts forming in his stomach, he wonders if he did drink a bit too much. Just as he’s about to call out for Renjun one of the guys turns around. As soon as Jeno realizes it’s Jaemin he unceremoniously ducks behind the couch, startling the people sitting on it.

 

 

As he squats there, heart beating in his throat, multiple questions go through his mind.

 

First of all, why the fuck is Jaemin here? Of all places? Probably because Yukhei was absurdly popular and knew about every student in Seoul, that was why, his mind supplied helpfully.

Second, if Jaemin’s here, then Donghyuck must be close. He sneaks a look and sure enough, the dude next to him has turned around to laugh at Jaemin and it’s Donghyuck.

 

Then third, if Jaemin and Donghyuck were here, then what about-.

 

“Jeno?”

 

Jeno freezes at that familiar voice and looks up to find Mark Lee staring down at him. Jeno realizes with a start that Mark was one of the unfortunate people he’d startled when hiding behind the couch like a madman. A slight miscalculation on his part. While hiding from the people he didn’t want to be seen by, he’d figuratively thrown himself in the lap of the one he certainly didn’t want to see him.

 

 

“Mark”, he says breathlessly, taking him in. Even in the dim lights he can see that Mark has changed. It’s been a long while since they’ve last seen each other, longer than Jaemin and Donghyuck. His face has become sharper, more masculine and Jeno can’t help but realize that he looks even more handsome than he did before. When Jeno quickly stands up and Mark follows he sees that his shoulders have broadened as well, that’s he’s not the skinny and scrawny boy he used to be two years ago.

 

 

“Hi. I uh-Sorry, I was just…y’know”, he mumbles eloquently and with that he leaves Mark gaping at him as he walks to the front door, with all intention to just leave and take the first bus back to campus.

 

“Wait!”

 

Just as he’s out of the door Mark is there, grabbing him by the arm. There’s a desperate expression on his face as he turns Jeno around. Jeno’s not sure what expression’s on his face, but Mark’s own softens. For a second they just stare at each other and unwanted memories enter Jeno’s mind.

 

* * *

 

  **14**

“Be honest with me, hyung. You like me the most, don’t you?”, Jeno asks the fifteen years old-Mark as he attempts to pull the blanket Mark is holding over his face away.

 

“I never said that”, Mark protests.

 

 

“Um, I think you inviting me over to a sleepover and not the other is quite telling“, Jeno says with the bravado only a fourteen year old can possess.

 

“Oh my God”, Mark says as he finally lets Jeno pull the blanket away so he can look at Mark in all his sheepish glory. “You’re so annoying. Had I known you were gonna be like this I’d have asked Jaemin.”

 

Upon seeing the look Jeno sends his way Mark frowns with a small nod. “I see your point. He’d have probably been worse.”

 

Jeno giggles and pulls the blanket over himself, feeling utterly content after having just found out that he was Mark’s favorite of their little friend group.

“You’re cute”, Mark says then and something about the way Mark smiles at him so fondly makes Jeno’s stomach lurch and his heart skip a beat.

 

 

“Not cute enough to have had my first kiss yet, though”, he pouts instead, because that has been bothering him lately. Mainly because Jaemin has been bragging about kissing Yerim behind the school for a week now and though Jeno’s been telling him to shut the fuck up about it already, he can’t help but envy him a bit.  
Instead of the eye roll he expects from Mark, or the pitying smile along with the small shoulder squeeze he gets a Mark who swallows almost nervously while his eyes travel to his lips.  
Jeno stiffens a bit, caught off guard.

 

 

“Would you like to have one?”, Mark asks, intently staring into his eyes. A part of Jeno knows he’s not ready yet and that this is not a good idea, because Mark is just a friend. One of his best friends that probably doesn’t have much more experience than him, at that. But then that part gets overshadowed by his competitive self-centered pubescent self that just wants to get his first kiss. So he nods and Mark leans forward without another warning, planting his lips against Jeno’s as one of his hands lands on Jeno’s waist.

  
Looking back on it later, Jeno realizes that the kiss wasn’t all that, but in that moment it’s like his world explodes. His very limited-experience world, but his world nonetheless. Mark’s lips are warm against his and Jeno is suddenly hyper-aware of his hand resting on his waist.

 

 

When Mark’s lips start moving Jeno is too dazed to do anything for a while, then he carefully starts moving too. Somewhere during the kiss his own hand comes to rest on Mark’s shoulder. Then, as the older boy’s tongue darts against his lips Jeno’s rationality _finally_ makes an appearance, screaming at him that he isn’t ready for a fucking French kiss, and he uses his grip on his shoulder to gently push Mark away.

 

 

He opens his eyes an finds Mark already staring back at him with big eyes, pupils blown. Jeno doesn’t know what to say and they both awkwardly remove the limbs resting on each other. Mark opens his mouth, closes it, only to immediately open it again.

 

 

“Donghyuck’s the cutest, though”, he says and that’s the first time Mark Lee breaks Jeno’s heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the positive response!! you're too kind :')

**19**

It's been so long. Shouldn't we talk?", Mark asks, his grip around Jeno's wrist softening. Jeno can't believe that he still revels at the touch.

 

"I don’t know. I'm just… really tired, hyung", Jeno says, looking at his hand. Mark quickly lets go.

 

"Well, won't you at least tell me how you've been? It’s been almost two years since we've seen each other", Mark says and Jeno is saved from answering him when Renjun steps outside. Jeno almost has a heart attack before he comes to the calming realization that Renjun's alone with no Donghyuck and Jaemin in sight.

 

"Jeno...", he starts, before Mark turns around. His eyes lighten up a bit. "Mark-hyung! I didn't know it was you. You two know each other, then?"

 

Now that Mark's gaze isn't on him anymore Jeno finally feels like he can breathe again.

 

"Oh. Uh, yeah", Mark says and when he looks back at Jeno the other boy pointedly looks at Renjun instead so he can't accidentally get lost in his eyes anymore. "We used to go to middle school and high school together. We're close."

 

It's almost ironic how he says it as though they still are.

Renjun smiles uncertainly at Jeno when he notices the look on his face.

 

"How do you two know each other?", Mark asks before Jeno can say anything. Jeno's eyes widen but he can’t subtly tell Renjun to not say anything, because Mark is still looking at him.

 

"Oh, we're roommates", Renjun, the fool, says and Jeno grits his teeth. The cat's out of the bag now.

 

"Oh, so you go to the same school then?", Mark asks and this time Jeno does look at him, feeling defeated.

 

"Oh yeah, you didn't know that?", Renjun asks. Yeah. Mark didn't know that because Jeno has done his damn best to not tell him. Has even gonna as far as to tell his _mom_ to not tell his friends if they ever come ask her. He knows Mark has in fact done exactly that.

 

"No, I didn't know that", Mark says softly and there's an expression on his face Jeno doesn’t like.

 

He abruptly leans closer to Mark, whose eyes widen in return. "Can you not tell the other, hyung? Please?", he whispers, almost frantically.

 

Mark looks crestfallen for a second, before nodding. "Fine. But Jeno, can you please try to make things right, you know those two. They’re both too stubborn to reach out to you first."

 

Jeno balls his fists, that sounds familiar. Maybe because every time he talks to his mom it’s all she says. "I'll try", he lies. "It was nice seeing you again, but I really am a bit tired, so I'm gonna head back."

 

"I'm coming with you", Renjun says quickly and after saying goodbye to a crestfallen Mark he follows Jeno down the porch steps.

 

"Jeno!", Mark yells, Jeno looks back. Mark's smiling now, but even from here he sees that it doesn’t reach his eyes. "I've missed you."

 

His heart lurches in his chest and after a small nod he averts his eyes, feeling bitter as he does so, because even after everything it feels like he’s back in high school and getting his heart broken for the umpteenth time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

As soon as they get home Jeno walks into the bathroom, Renjun follows him inside like the pest he is right before he can close the door.

 

"Get out", he bites as he grabs his cleanser.

 

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what the hell just happened", Renjun says in a tone that tells Jeno that he isn't fucking around.

 

"That’s funny. At the party you seemed to have no problem with leaving", he says and when Renjun flinches he knows he's hit a spot.

 

"That was because-", Renjun starts.

 

"Thanks for that by the way, I love when people forcibly drag me to parties I don't want to go to and then fuck off to go impress someone else", he snaps as he aggressively turns on the faucet and cleanses his face, wishing he could just cleanse this night out of his life along with it.

 

"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that-", Renjun starts again, but Jeno once again interrupts him. The way he does when he’s stressed and agitated. He’s often been told he’s not fun to be around when he’s like this. Which is why people avoided him like the plague during exams.

 

"Just like you shouldn't have told Mark that we're roommates, you idiot", Jeno snaps, drying his face. When he looks back at Renjun he sees the hurt forming in his eyes. He deflates as he realizes that he’s just being nasty for no reason and that it isn’t Renjun's fault. That it was actually a good thing he left Jeno when he did, because he would’ve otherwise not only have to confront Mark but also his (more pissed off) friends.

 

"Sorry, you couldn't have known", he says apologetically. Renjun straightens a bit.

 

"Yeah, so maybe fill me in, then", he says.

 

Jeno sighs as he sprays some toner on his face, accidentally getting some in Renjun's as well. He sees the Chinese boy's nose scrunch up and giggles, that earns him a glare that quickly turns in a small smile.

 

"Please Jeno. Tell me. I don’t like not knowing why you're upset.", he inquires, more gentle now. It occurs to Jeno that despite having known each other for only five months, Renjun really is a good friend.

 

"I'm getting over him", Jeno says quietly, admitting it for the first time in his life.

 

Renjun's face doesn't betray his emotions as he seems to search for something on Jeno’s face. "And? How's that working out?"

 

"After tonight? Not great", he admits before sighing, because even now all he can think about is Mark and his stupid handsome face and worried eyes. "It's stupid."

 

"It's not", Renjun tuts as he puts an arm over Jeno’s shoulder. “It’s not stupid, okay?”

 

If Jeno tries hard enough he might even start deluding himself that it isn’t.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Renjun, you better have bought some bread!”, is the first thing Jeno yells when he enters the apartment. Renjun doesn’t answer.

 

“Renjun?”, he asks, wondering if Renjun is maybe out to buy it right this moment. Then he enters the living room to see the crown of his head peeking over the edge of the couch.

“What the hell, Renjun. Answer me when you’re there. I’ve had a long and hard day, okay? I don’t need your passive aggressiveness on top of it,”, he whines (lies, because he literally only had two lessons today) as he plops down next to him. Just as he’s about to cuddle up close he realizes with a start that the person sitting down next to him is not in fact his small and lanky friend Huang Renjun, but the better-proportioned Mark Lee. And he’s staring back at Jeno with the most sheepish expression he’s ever seen grace someone’s face.

 

 

Jeno belatedly realizes that he’s already linked their arms together. He pulls his arm out as if he’s been burned and stares at Mark, realizing that yes, he is sitting on Jeno’s couch while there’s seemingly no one else here.

“How did you get in here?”, he asks and it comes out sounding more as an accusation.

 

Mark’s eyes widen. “I didn’t break in or anything”, he says quickly, as if Jeno’s implying that he broke in (which he guesses he kind of is) and it’s ridiculous that Jeno relaxes the moment he hears his voice. Absolutely ridiculous. “I rang the bell and Renjun let me in.”

 

Jeno nods and looks around for him, as if Renjun’s hiding somewhere. “Where is that little pest, by the way?”

Mark grins a bit. “He went to buy that bread you were yelling about just now. I guess that was important.”

 

Jeno scoffs. “You don’t even know the half of it. Okay so, if someone buys bread and explicitly writes their name on the bag it’s pretty clear you shouldn’t eat it, right?”

Mark nods with a soft smile. “See! I guess Renjun never learned basic human manners, because he literally ate half of my bread out of a bag with my name on.”

 

 

“Scandalous”, Mark laughs and Jeno’s heart skipping a beat makes him suddenly remember that he’s not supposed to be here, because Jeno is trying to cut him out of his life at the moment.

“What are you doing here, though, hyung?”, he asks confusedly and Mark’s face lights up.

 

“I thought you’d never ask. I’m here to check out the campus!”, he smiles.

Jeno gives him an uncertain one back. “…Why?”

 

“Oh, you didn’t know? I’m going to be studying here as soon as the break’s over!”, Mark announces enthusiastically, as if Jeno’s supposed to be happy upon hearing that. And, to be fair, a weak part of him is actually happy. But another, bigger part, is mortified. Because the reason he went to a different uni in the first place was to get away from Mark. Well, that sounds kinda bad. The reason he went to a different uni in the first place was to get over Mark.

 

Mark’s starting to look a bit uncomfortable with his silence. He quickly forces a smile on his face. “Wow, really? That’s…wow?”, his mouth can’t seem to form the word ‘good’. “Why?”, he can’t help but ask.

Mark quickly goes into a long explanation about how the campus and dorms of his previous uni aren’t really what he’d been expecting after all and how the lecturers could be better and Jeno really isn’t listening, too busy trying to suppress the panic slowly coming up.

 

 

“What about Jaem and Hyuck?”, he asks when it’s clear Mark is about done with summing up the reasons for his move.

 

Mark looks a bit guilty at that. “They agreed with me on all the things I just mentioned. They’re uh…They’re coming, too.”

 

Jeno lets out a hysterical giggle when he realizes he’s literally right back to square one. No, scratch that. When he’d been at square one two years ago he’d still had all his friends. He wasn’t back at square one, he was at below zero.

 

* * *

**15**

 

About a month after his first kiss Mark gets his first girlfriend.

 

When he announces it Donghyuck and Jaemin immediately start shrieking and asking who it is. Before that night Jeno might’ve joined them, but he finds himself rooted to his chair, staring at Mark’s bashful smile and feeling as though someone is pushing a metaphorical dagger in his heart. Which is stupid, because he literally has no reason to feel like this.

 

“It’s uh…Soohyun, you probably know her brother Chanhyuk, Jeno. He’s in Doyoung’s class”, Mark says, looking at Jeno. He forces his mind to work and thinks about it. Yeah, Chanhyuk. He vaguely remembers getting introduced to him and his sister. She’d seemed nice enough.

He nods, not trusting himself to say anything. Despite the fact that Jaemin and Donghyuck are still yelling in his ear Mark gives him a questioning look.

 

“She’s really cute”, Jeno manages to bring out and Jaemin grabs Mark by the shoulder, shaking him enthusiastically.

  
“I knew you could do it, you fucker.”

 

“Yeah, I’m really happy”, Mark says and that’s the second time Jeno feels his heart break.

 

 

* * *

**19**

 

When uni starts again after the break Jeno manages to avoid his former friends for all of two days. Of course it’s Renjun’s fault he fails, seeing how he literally invites them over to their goddamn apartment.  
Though, to be fair, as he’s walking home from an evening class and gets a text from Mark, he deliberately shoves it back in his pocket without checking. Which is why he’s completely unprepared to walk into the living room, only to find all three of them sitting them on the couch.

 

He freezes for a second, enough for them to turn around and look at him. Mark looks apologetic, whilst Donghyuck and Jaemin seem baffled.

 

“Oh, this is my roommate Jeno! Mark, you already know him, of course. Jeno, these are-.”

 

“Yeah, I know who they are, Renjun”, Jeno says with a small sigh, knowing the day of judgement has arrived and that there's nothing he can do about it now. 

 

As if triggered by his voice Mark suddenly jumps up and starts walking over to him, clearly upset. “I’m sorry, Jeno! I know you probably wanted to do this on your own terms, so I tried to keep them from coming, but I couldn’t and then I tried to let you know, but you didn’t see my text and-“

 

 

“What the everloving fuck is going on?”, Donghyuck says then and when Jeno looks over at them he sees that he looks more confused than ever, while Jaemin’s looks about ready to blow up;

Which he does exactly one second later. 

 

“So all this time you knew where he was, then? And I take it you two got along just fine without us? Had a real good laugh and everything at our despair?”, he spits and they all flinch a bit, not used to Jaemin sounding like that. Especially Renjun looks shell-shocked. If it wasn't for their current situation Jeno would've probably laughed at the way his mouth hangs open as he stares at Jaemin with big eyes. 

 

“Was that why you suddenly wanted to change schools, so you could leave us too?”, the younger boy accusus Mark who immediately gasps indignantly. Jeno hears the jab directed at him and accepts it graciously, by which he means he doesn't start crying immediately. 

 

 

“No! What the hell? That’s not it at all! Jesus Christ, Jaem”, Mark hisses.

 

"It’s clear you’ve been talking to _him_!”, Jaemin all but yells, pointing at Jeno as if it’s the biggest betrayal one could commit.

 

“I’m right here”, Jeno can’t help but mumble, but when Jaemin turns to him with furious eyes he quickly puts his hands up in surrender and walks over to stand next to Renjun, who stood up in alarm the moment Jaemin started raising the volume.

 

 

“I only just found out about him going here, too. And I asked you if you wanted to come, so don’t even start with your “you were planning on abandoning us”-bullshit”, Mark says sternly and Jaemin bristles, before settling down again. Donghyuck is still staring at Jeno as if he’d passed away and miraculously come back from the dead. 

 

It’s quiet for a while and the atmosphere is so tense Jeno can practically feel it.

 

 

“Okay, what the actual fuck is going on right now?”, Renjun wonders out loud, giving Jeno a look.

 

“We used to be like, literally best friends in middle school and high school”, Donghyuck says. “We’ve…lost contact over the months, though.”

 

Jeno can feel his hard stare and deliberately looks at Renjun instead, nodding along.

 

“That’s a real funny way of saying it”, Jaemin says immediately and it’s kinda hilarious how he was only able to stay silent for all of ten seconds.

 

“Jaemin”, Mark says, sounding borderline desperate, and the other boy abruptly stands up and walks over to Jeno. Despite the fact that Jaemin only has an inch or so on him he still feels incredibly small as he finally looks up to meet his eyes. As he does so he can’t help but notice that even Jaemin’s changed quite a bit. He’s lost the baby fat, probably thanks to the inevitable stress that comes with uni and the child-like innocence seems to have permanently left his eyes. Though he supposes that could also be because of their current predicament.

 

 

“I’m not about to hang out with you until I hear exactly why you decided why we weren’t worth staying with despite years of friendship. What you did was fucking shitty and we deserve an explanation and a genuine apology”, at that last word Jaemin’s voice breaks and Jeno feels mortification come over him when he notices the sudden wetness in his eyes. Jeno knows Jaemin. He _knows_ he doesn't easily cry and yet here is doing exactly that. Because of Jeno. The guilt that comes up at that realisation punches him in the gut and leaves him feeling breathless.

 

“Jaem-“, Donghyuck starts worriedly, getting up as well. Jeno is about to reach out, but then Jaemin turns and walks out of the apartment, with Donghyuck hot on his heels.

 

Mark looks like he might start crying as well and Jeno knows he _can't_ handle that. 

 

"Maybe you should go check up on them, hyung", he says. 

 

Mark looks hesitant to go and he gives Jeno a helpless look. "I know it's hard, but will you please make it right, Jeno? _Please_? Not right now, but just...when you've all calmed down? This isn't good. For any of us." 

 

Jeno has never been good at saying no to Mark and for the first time in months he doesn't feel inclined to do so, because he _does_ have to make this right. He owes them that. "I will." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, another chapter. amazing.
> 
> the angst is strong in this one, i'll make up for it by making the next chapter extra soft™!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i said next chapter, i actually meant the final chapter. haha you've been prankd you guys.

It’s two hours later that Jeno musters up the courage to call Jaemin, to set this right once and for all.

 

Jaemin answers with a dry: "Missed me that much?"  
Covering up his embarrassment with sarcasm, that was Jaemin for you.

 

"I want to tell you why I left", he blurts out and he hears Jaemin shuffle on the other side of the line, probably sitting up in surprise and interest.

"Oh?"

 

"Is Hyuck with you?", he asks nervously

 

"Yeah, Hyuck’s here", Jaemin answers.  
“What about Hyuck?”, he hears Donghyuck’s voice on the other line.  
“It’s Jeno. He’s gonna tell us.”

 

“What about Mark? Is he…y’know, is he still with you”, he asks, dragging a hand through his hair.

 

“No, he went home.”

 

"Then do you mind putting it on speaker? So Donghyuck can hear it, too. I don’t want to have to say this twice", Jeno says, mustering up all his courage to get this out to the both of them. He wastes no time, the moment Jaemin tells him the speaker’s on he starts talking. Well, babbling more like, but Jeno strongly believes that it’s the effort that counts.

 

“The reason I left is because I’ve been in love with Mark for years-”, there it is. Now they know. They know and there’s no choice for him but to continue on towards what seems to be his inevitable doom at the moment.

  
“-and he’s not in love with me and that’s _fine_. Of course it is, but last year I was just so fucking terrified at the prospect of being with him again all the time. Watching him just going around, dating girls left and right and…fuck”, he lets out a small sniffle. This is just as humiliating as he’d expected it to be. “-and not even looking at me. And…so I left. And it was hard. It was so fucking hard to leave you guys, believe me. It was. You’re my best friends. And I realize now that not telling you guys was fucking shitty, like you said and I’m so so sorry for hurting you.”

 

Jeno swallows at the dry lump in his throat. He refuses to break down now, knowing there’s no way he’ll ever get to say what he wants to otherwise. “I just want you guys to know that I didn’t leave because of anything you did or because I was tired of you or...or something. You guys were my best friends, I mean, you still are. If you'll still have me. I just…I thought what I did was best, but in the end nothing’s changed. I’m just…I’m just sorry for hurting you guys.”

 

It’s silent on the other line and for a second Jeno’s sure he’s fucked up again and that they’ll never forgive him, but then there’s a sniffle on the other line.

 

“Jeno, you idiot”, Donghyuck says wetly. “Are you at your apartment?”

Jeno blinks confusedly. “Yeah”, he answers.

 

“Wait right there.”

Then the call ends. Jeno blinks down at his phone and tries to keep his fragile composure, all he can think is that they know. They know and they can tell Mark and then that's _it._  
He’s shaking by the time that the bell rings a couple of minutes later. The moment Jeno opens the door he’s got two very emotional friends in his arms. It’s kind of awkward, with Donghyuck clinging to him like his life depends on it and Jaemin pressing Donghyuck even closer because he’s trying to hug Jeno as well, but he’ll take what he can get, even if he barely gets his arms around both of them.

 

“You’re an idiot. An absolute dimwit”, Donghyuck wails into his shoulder and Jeno, who’s been patting himself on the back for keeping it together for so long, abruptly bursts into tears.

“I know”, he cries.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us?”, Jaemin sobs and Jeno lets out a small, wet giggle, when he sees his face when he looks up. Jaemin has always prided himself in being the most handsome of their friend group, but he’s an ugly crier. His eyes are swollen and his cheeks blotchy as he looks at Jeno with that childlike innocence he’d been missing.

 

 

“I already felt pathetic enough, I didn’t need your guys’ pity on top of it”, he sniffles and Jaemin grabs Jeno’s shoulders and shakes him, as if he can get some sense into him that way. Donghyuck lets out a whine, but stubbornly keeps his head buried in Jeno’s shoulder.

 

“We wouldn’t have. We would’ve understood. We could’ve helped you”, he sobs and Jeno is too overwhelmed to answer. They stand there clutching at each other for a couple of minutes (Renjun wisely stays in his room), before carefully maneuvering towards the couch. Jeno’s stopped crying at that point, but almost starts again when he realizes that both his best friends are on either side of him, still holding onto him as if they’re scared he’ll disappear.

 

“I’m sorry”, he says quietly.

“It’s okay”, Donghyuck says, finally peeling himself off Jeno to look into his eyes. “Just talk to us from now on. We’re your friends. Jaemin and I, we’re here for you…and Mark is, too.”

 

Jeno stiffens a bit and Jaemin lets out a small sigh from where he’s clutching Jeno’s hand on his other side. “I guess we’re also partly to blame. We didn’t see you were hurting. We kept encouraging Mark and his relationships. Kept talking about it, as well...”

 

“No”, Jeno says decidedly. “You couldn’t have known.”

 

 

Jaemin bites his lip, looking unconvinced. When he looks at Jeno again his eyes are clouded with guilt. “Look Jeno, about just now. I’m sorry…for the way I acted towards you. Even if I was angry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. It wasn’t fair of me. I should’ve known you wouldn’t have left without good reason.”

 

  
“You did what you thought was right for your mental health...and we can't really blame your for that part”, Donghyuck adds seriously.

 

Jeno gives them a small smile. “Thank you. Really, I appreciate that.”

 

Jaemin smiles before clapping his hands. “Alright, with that out of the way. Let’s start operation: get Mark to notice our sweet friend Jeno here.”

 

Jeno lets out a growl. “Jaemin!”

 

The other boy lets out a laugh. “I’m kidding. I’m kidding! Jeno, drop the pillow, seriously. _Seriously_!”

  


 

* * *

 

 

 

When Mark sees them walking together to campus the next day he nearly does a double take, before running towards them and tackling them in a big bear hug that nearly throws them all to the ground.

 

“You made up with them”, Mark says, smiling at Jeno like he holds the world in his hands. He flushes and Donghyuck quickly comes to his aid. “Last time I checked, multiple people are needed to make up. We also did some of the work, you know.”

 

“Yeah, real good friend you are, Mark”, Jaemin joins him, feigning sourness. 

 

  
Mark beams and takes them both in a headlock, earning him two equally loud screeches. Jeno laughs as he watches them.

 

“I’m proud of you guys as well”, Mark says as they both wrestle out of his grip.

 

“You’re lucky you’re cute”, Donghyuck says, looking murderous as he tries to save his hair. Jeno is almost surprised his efforts pay off, despite the fact that it’s so course you could probably break it off if you really tried.

 

 

“Yeah, you and Jeno both”, Jaemin snips, straightening his jacket and glaring daggers at a still sniggering Jeno.

“Hear that, Jeno? We’re the cute ones”, Mark smiles and Jeno’s suddenly reminded of that one sleepover all those years ago. For some reason it doesn’t hurt that bad. Maybe it’s because he’s not alone anymore.

 

 

“Donghyuck’s the cutest, though”, he says, still with a smile and he doesn’t miss the short flash of… _something_ in Mark’s eyes. It’s gone before he can even start identifying it, though and then Mark’s plastered to his side and ruffling his hair.

 

 

“You’re cuter, though”, he says and under all those layers of amusement Jeno hears the seriousness in his voice. He swallows nervously and Mark’s eyes soften. Before he can start freaking out over it Donghyuck interrupts their little moment. 

 

“Wow, thanks”, Donghyuck’s says dryly and Jeno quickly averts his attention to his clearly offended friend. “Perhaps you hadn’t noticed, but I’m literally right here.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

His friends come visit them more often (read: they start treating Renjun and Jeno’s apartment as if it’s their own). Renjun complains sometimes, but Jeno knows he’s got a soft spot for them. That under all that snark and complaining he actually really likes the fact that Jaemin and Donghyuck keep hogging the couch and that Mark is seated next to Jeno at the dinner table or in Jeno's room, making homework with his nerd glasses and messy hair.

 

 

Jeno isn’t complaining. He likes to think that he’s accepted his feelings for Mark the moment Jaemin and Donghyuck did. That maybe now he can actually start properly getting over the older boy.  
(Another part tells him that he’s an idiot and that his eyes aren’t drawn to Mark side profile every couple of minutes for no reason. That his heart doesn’t warm at the sight of a tired Mark with his dorky glasses smiling at him when he catches him staring just because he’s slowly getting over him. He likes ignoring that part, though. Because for now he’s content with the way things are.)

 

 

Then it happens. At that point it’s been a couple of months since they made up (and a couple of months since his friends decided to basically move in with them) and they’re watching some shoujo anime Mark’s classmate Yuta recommended to him when Jaemin decides to speak up.

 

“That dude is almost as much of a player as you were in high school, hyung”, he says, referring to some character. It’s obviously meant for Mark. The older boy's ears immediately redden and he threateningly raises a pillow.

“Don’t even start. You know I haven’t had a girlfriend or boyfriend in a long time, Jaem”, Mark says.

 

 

“Doesn’t change the fact that you used to be a hoe, hy-“, this time the pillow hits Jaemin right in the face, abruptly cutting him off. He immediately starts yelling offendedly, edged on by a grinning Renjun, but Jeno doesn’t hear him. Too busy with coming to term with the fact that Mark just said ‘girlfriend or boyfriend’. _Boyfriend._

 

 

“You’ve had a boyfriend before?”, he blurts out, immediately cursing himself when everyone falls quiet. It’s suddenly painfully clear that everyone in the room _knows_. Except for Mark, who nods hesitantly.

 

“Yeah, I have. I’m uh…I’m bi. You didn’t know, Jeno?”, Mark asks and something in his eyes tells Jeno he’s thinking about that night, probably wondering if Jeno somehow forgot. Blocked it out of his memory.

 

Jeno almost laughs at the absurdity of that thought. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to forget that night. That it’ll haunt him even when he’s old, with sagging skin and cracking bones, sitting in his rocking chair with a newspaper in his hands and a grandchild yelling in his ear. Even then he’ll remember that time his childhood friend Mark Lee gave him his first kiss…and that he’d believed Mark had just done that out of a teenager’s curiosity, that he was in that phase and that he’d regretted it right after.

 

“No, I didn’t”, he says quietly and even he can hear the fragility in his own voice. He clears his throat and abruptly gets up. “I’m getting something to drink. Anyone want something?”

 

 

No one says anything and Jeno quickly makes his way over to the kitchen, putting his hands on the counter and letting out a calming breath. This doesn’t change anything, he tells himself. Mark may like boys as well, but that doesn’t mean he likes you specifically. He turns around to open the fridge. Just in time, because Donghyuck enters.

 

"You want something, Hyuck?", he asks tensely as he closes the refrigerator with a bottle of wine in his hands.

 

"You can't just keep avoiding the topic, Jeno", Donghyuck says by lieu of greeting and Jeno sticks his chin out defiantly.

 

"I can, actually", he says and as soon as it comes out of his mouth he realizes how much he sounds like a child. Judging by the look on Donghyuck's face he feels the same.

 

 

“Just talk to him, Jeno. I obviously can’t guarantee he’ll return your feelings, but we can all see there’s _something_ there”, Donghyuck says, waving his hands, as if he can make it clear to Jeno that way. The older boy lets out a sharp laugh, shaking his head.

 

“There’s not. If there was something there he’d have told me by now. It’s been weeks", he denies as he takes a big chug from the bottle of wine in his hand, because that’s the only thing he can do.

 

Donghyuck grabs it from him, distaste clear on his face. "Don't, we all have to drink from that." Then. " You do realize we’re talking about Mark Lee here, right? Mark Lee, the guy that waited for a year to tell us he’d rather be called Mark instead of Minhyung, that guy? If someone’s gonna do the telling, it’s gonna be you, Jeno.”

 

 

Jeno flinches, Donghyuck makes it sound like it’s the easiest thing in the world. He says it like he would do it, but Jeno isn’t Donghyuck. "Then what the hell do you want me to do? Go up to Mark and tell him I've been in love with him ever since he kissed me that one time when I was fourteen? That no matter how hard I try I can't get him out of my head? That I dropped everyone just to get away from him? That just looking at him fucking hurts?"

 

 

Donghyuck eyes have widened considerably during his small breakdown. He looks like he doesn’t know what to say for once and Jeno takes in the sight, almost feeling satisfied. That he finally gets it. "This isn't some sort of stupid crush, Hyuck. I love him and I’m not getting over him no matter how much I try and it _sucks_. I can't tell him, because he'd pity me and that'd ruin this thing we have between us even more."

 

 

"Jeno...", Donghyuck starts uncertainly, but Jeno shakes his head. He doesn't need his pity.

 

"It's fine. I've learned to deal with it. As long as you don’t constantly remind me of it, I’m okay."

 

 

Then he turns around to join the other again and he suddenly feels a lot less okay when he find himself eye-to-eye with Mark Lee, standing in the doorway. His stomach drops when he notices the look on his face, he sees the guilt and disbelief there and he knows he doesn’t even have to ask how much he's heard.

 

For a while none of them say anything and the tension is so high Jeno can practically feel it buzzing in the air.

 

Then Donghyuck slips past them. "You two talk, I'll take Renjun and Jaemin somewhere,"

 

Jeno wants to yell at him to stay, to not dare leave him alone right now, but Donghyuck's already closed the door. Half a minute or so later he hears the front door slam shut and then they’re truly and well alone.

The silence is horrible, seeing Mark open his mouth, to then close it when it’s clear he doesn't know what to say makes him feel sick. He searched his brain for something, anything to say that isn’t completely moronic.

 

 

"I should go", is what Jeno eventually manages to strangle out of his throat.  
Mark's eyes widen.

 

"What?”, he asks.

 

 

"I said I should go", Jeno says, but he stays rooted to the spot, can't bring his body to move.

 

"This is your apartment", Mark says confusedly and Jeno feels like crying, because all he can think about is how endearing he is. But now with a mix of caution, because Mark knows. He basically has Jeno's heart in his hands and if he chooses to he can squash it. Maybe even throw it onto the ground and stomp on it for good measure, as well.

 

 

He shrugs and Mark's eyes soften as he takes in Jeno's trembling lip.

 

"We should talk."

 

"I don't think that's a good idea", Jeno says, his voice weak and he finally wills his body to move, away from Mark. Just to feel like he can breathe again. Of course Mark follows him.

 

"And I think it is. You've had your chance not to talk, Lee Jeno."  
And though it's said with an air of something close to amusement, he can hear the underlying seriousness. He stops walking and turns around, forcing Mark to a stop as well.

 

"I'm sorry", he says, sincerely, because he is. Mark didn’t deserve the way he was treated. None them did.

 

Something flickers in Mark's eyes. And determination appears in them.

 

 

"You should be", he says and out of all the things Jeno expected him to say this hadn’t been it. He was always the one careful with the subject. Coming to Jeno's aid when the others gave him shit for it. "You hurt us. You hurt me. All this time I wondered why you did what you did. I wondered if I did something? If it was because of me? Now I know why, but I still think you shouldn't have."

 

Indignation crawls up Jeno’s throat. He leans against the kitchen counter. "Then tell me, _Mark_ -”, he almost spit his name and he knows  he’s being nasty again, but he can’t stop. This whole situation is making his head spin and his heart beat in his throat.  
Mark, to his credit, doesn’t look the least bit fazed. Probably has been expecting it. They’ve known each other for a long time, after all. “What should I have done? Stay by your side, see you keep hopping from girlfriend to girlfriend all the while in the knowledge that you’ll never _ever_ choose me?", he lets out a snort. "Because, like you said, you even liked Donghyuck of all people more than me. Honestly, it’s easy for you to say what I should and shouldn’t have done. In the end, you don’t know what it's like-"

 

 

"But I do!", Mark bursts out and Jeno blinks. "Why do you think I kept changing girlfriends? It's because I felt like something was missing. Each time something felt wrong, something I just couldn’t quite grasp. And when I was alone at uni I felt emptier than ever. I didn't even attempt to start anything serious, well except for that one boyfriend... But that was over before it even properly began...The only thing I looked forward to was you joining me and then you didn't. And it _sucked_. You would barely answer any of my texts and I felt so bad, because…because I missed you and you didn’t seem to miss me at all."

 

Jeno feels like the air is suddenly punched out of his lungs, especially when Mark comes closer, effectively crowding him against the counter.

 

"And when I saw you at that party and I suddenly felt like what I'd been missing all this time was finally there again. Like this…huge gap in my life was filled. Which is why I literally changed schools to be with you, you idiot", Mark says and one of his hands comes to rest on Jeno's waist. It's grounding almost. Before Jeno was almost sure this was a fragment of his imagination. That he real Mark had left with the others, confused and disappointed in him. "I went out of my way to come hang out here almost all the time, I'm pretty sure I started annoying Renjun as well. But Jeno, it has to be you. Because you’re the thing that I’ve been missing and I'm not about to let you go again."

 

 

It’s quiet for a while, as they both process what’s just happened. Jeno’s mind is reeling and if it wasn’t for Mark’s touch he feels like his spirit would leave his body to go meditate on it for a couple of years.

 

"Like in a friend-way?", he asks, just to be sure. Mark blinks rapidly and looks tempted to maybe knock some sense into him. Very romantic, Jeno thinks dazedly.

  
"No, _not_ in a friend way. What the actual fuck, Jeno", Mark groans and Jeno lets out a relieved laugh. “Oh, thank god.”

  
Mark’s grip on his waist tightens and he leans in even closer, so his lips are almost against his. Anticipation runs through Jeno’s body, leaving him trembling. Mark whispers: "Is this okay?"

 

 

Jeno answers by throwing his arms around Mark's neck and pulling him in, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. He feels Mark smile against his lips and Jeno can't help the corners of his own mouth tugging up. The older boy's lips are just as soft as he remembers them and Jeno feels like crying from happiness. When Mark's tongue pokes against his lips Jeno happily opens his mouth, because he's older now. More experiences and more than ready.

When they finally part Mark is beaming at him. Jeno shyly hides his face in Mark's neck and the older boy pulls him into a hug.

 

"I've been wanting to do this again ever since we first kissed", Jeno mutters. 

 

"Me too", Mark sighs. "I'm sorry for being an idiot and taking so long, Jeno." 

 

 

"Yeah, you really are an idiot", Jeno nods with a grin and he lets out a screech when Mark pokes him in the side, looking up to find Mark giving him an indignant look. The clear amusement in his eyes kind of ruins it, though. "That's what you got out of that sentence? Really, Jeno Lee?" 

 

 

"You _are_! But I am, too. So we can just be idiots together", Jeno smiles, pressing another short kiss onto Mark's lips, before walking over to the living room. 

 

"Let's call the others to let them know it's safe to come back", he says, grabbing his phone. Mark grabbing his hand stops him from texting Donghyuck to get his ass back here. When he looks up his eyes are warm and familiar. 

 

 

"You really are the cutest, Jeno." 

 

"You too, hyung." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i initially wanted to split this up into two parts, but then i realized that there was literally no point where i could do this without making one part way too long and the other way too short, so i decided to just post it all.  
> i hope it made up for the last angst-filled chapter :')
> 
> (but i actually really like this au, so if you've got some sugestions i would absolutely be willing to write another chapter!!) 
> 
> -  
> pls do let me know what you thought of it!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> i love markno pass it on.
> 
>  
> 
> pls do let me know what you thought of it so far!! 
> 
> [ my tumblr](http://chimchimerie.tumblr.com).


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